


How high the moon

by ccheleanor



Category: Alexander (2004)
Genre: Comfort/Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-19
Updated: 2014-05-21
Packaged: 2018-01-25 16:50:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1655573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ccheleanor/pseuds/ccheleanor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>platonic love can be painful sometimes...told from Bagoas' POV</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> not exactly follow the movie, especially the final part. But I took character images from the movie, especially my beloved Hephaistion :) I do my best treating the major characters fair, but I love Hephaistion so much I want Hephaistion to be the only one Alexander love!

1.  
I had known it as a fact for a long time. Hephaistion was special to my lord, my king Alexander. 

The first time I saw Hephaestion on the court, I was stunned by his appearance. He was tall and slim, with a face that can make one catch his or her breath at the first sight. His eyes, a shade of light blue, if possessed by one of my kind, would definitely cause many noble men fighting over him. And yet he was a general. Such beauty, possessed by a general? My heart ached a little. Life is never fair. When he possessed status, wealth, beauty……, I was here, smiling fake smiles, trembling inside, hoping my new master would treat me with some mercy. At that moment, I hadn’t lost my heart to my king. He was only another powerful man I need to charm to survive. 

The second time I saw Hephaistion, I was preparing the king’s bath as he read a letter. Hephaistion walked in to the king’s room with a rarely seen grace, sat behind the king, and so naturally raised his hands to knead the king’s shoulders. I silently gaped at the intimacy and how affectionate he was doing it. The king closed his eyes and leaned back, seemingly wanted to melt into the very welcomed tough. 

So they are not just friends after all, I thought. The rumors turned out to be true. There was a strange twitch in my chest, but I could not name it still then. I couldn’t fathom at the time that I, for the first time in my life, had fallen in love with the man who owned my body. 

When I was trying to place my feeling, Hephaistion suddenly shot me a sharp glance. I should be afraid, as he was a powerful man who I had every reason to be afraid of. But I was not. Instead, I felt a bitter, pathetic victory; for I, a concubine and a eunuch, had just made a general jealous. 

To my surprise, later when I tried to coax the king to talk about this man I started to see as enemy, the king just shook his head and said: “Hephaistion is not my lover. He is my best friend…… almost part of my soul actually.” I didn’t believe his words, thought.

“Couldn’t he be both?” I asked, pretending my motivation was only innocuous curiosity. 

The king said nothing. But I could see there’s a trace of unmistakable sorrow in his eyes. 

The third time I saw Hephaistion was in the tent of my king. The king had killed someone in the rage fuel by alcohol, and since then had been indulged in drunken misery and mindless coupling with me. I could sense he was trying to use my body to escape his grief, but I didn’t care the least.

My king, the most powerful man in the empire, was baring his vulnerability in front of me. The fact made me felt infinite gentleness and unexpected protectiveness toward this man. It was at this point, I began to see the king as my lover instead of my master. 

The king refused to see anyone, and I was perfectly fine with that. I didn’t care if the king was losing his power. I didn’t need my man to be powerful, so long as he was contented and happy in my arms. I failed to understand that he could never survive without his dream. Or maybe I had seen, but refused to admit. I was so absorbed by the fact that now I was the only one he wanted to be with, and the only one that was reflected in his eyes. 

But a dream, no matter how beautiful it was, is bounded to be waked. 

One morning, when the king was still lying in bed with me, a servant rushed inside and stuttered that Hephaistion was heading toward here and that everyone had tried but failed to stop him. 

The king went very still in my arms. The next minute, he sat up fiercely like a child woke up from a terrible dream, and yelled franticly:”No! No! Stop him! I don’t care what you do, beg him! Drug him if you must. Just stop him!”

When I tried to sooth him, he just kept babbling: “I can’t let him see me now! How could I? I can’t let him see me like this……not like this……”

My heart sank at his words, as I suddenly realize, the reason he had chosen me to stay with his instead of Hephaistion was that he couldn’t bear to let Hephaistion, the man he cared most, despise him. 

When Hephaistion entered and forced the king to face him, the king finally collapsed. The king may bare his vulnerability at me, but it is to Hephaistion, he could bare his soul. He started to tell Hephaistion. He said he felt like a dead man already. He said he fear he had become a tyrant without knowing it. He went on and on, and during the process never bothered to look at me once. 

I couldn’t help it; I glared at Hephaestion darkly……but only for a minute, before I saw how deep the pain was in those beautiful eyes. Finally, Hephaistion gathered the king into his arms and murmured into his ear: ”I would not let you become a tyrant. I’ll always be here, watching you. I am your Patroclus, remember? I’ll fight anyone for you, even yourself. ”

The king laughed a little, though vaguely. The king lifted his head from Hephaistion’s chest to look at Hephaistion with adoration--- like Hephaistion was the king instead of himself. The love in his eyes couldn’t be missed save for a blind man.

2.  
The fourth time I saw Hephaistion is the first time I spent some time with alone him.

I was walking in a garden when a hand suddenly covered my mouth. The next minute, I was dragged toward an empty booth. When I was released, I turned and saw the man who just attacked me was one of the officers of the king. I had seen him only once, but I had noticed his lustful eyes on me even then. I realized with a sudden chill what was going to happen.

“You are going to obey me, or I’ll kill you and one of the servant, and told the king I saw you two doing some really nasty things and so I killed you for him.” the officer grinned, his eyes narrowed with lust and menace. “And before I chop you open, I’ll have my way with you anyway.” 

“The king would not believe such a thing.” I protested, with the confidence I did not truly feel.

I know the king was closed to me; he liked me, and even allowed himself to show some weaknesses before me sometimes. But trust might be something too extravagant for a eunuch to want. And even if he believed me, I doubted he would kill an officer for me.

“Why? I am his comrade and had bled for him. And you are just an expensive toy to vent his lust. ”

That definitely was not the first time I heard such insults, but it hurt nonetheless. I lowered my head in pain. Just pretend you are a corpse and it would end pretty soon, I told myself. Why should it matter anyway? I’m not a virgin to begin with, and it’s not like this brute would dare to hurt me……he would not want to leave marks for the king to find out what he had done. 

The man ran his hands over my body. I bit my lip hard it almost bled. And then, suddenly, a chill voice came from behind the man. 

“You may want to stop. The king might be generous, but I don’t think that is something he would like to share.” The voice was calm, almost lazy. As I lifted my head, I was surprise to find it was hephaistion. He had saved me, though he acted like he was just giving a comment about the weather. The man immediately released me.

“Hephaistion?” The man tried to sound annoyed.

“In case you haven’t heard, the king is very fond of that boy.” Hephaistion said, like he was doing the officer some favor. 

“The way the king was fond of you and your famous thighs?” 

I could see Hephaistion went a little pale at the caustic words, but he did not lose his poise. 

“Believe me, if I want to bury you, I don’t have to do it through the king.”

The man stared at Hephaistion for a while, and finally made his leave----- thought not without cursing loudly all the way.

“Thank you, my lord.” I bowed my head to Hephaistion, though somehow my voice came out a little stiffly. 

“It’s nothing.” He cocked his head a little and said teasingly: “you may want to cover your body first. It’s somewhat distracting.”

“I’m sorry.” 

“You are not the one who should be sorry.” He shrugged.

I did not know what to say about that, so I just lowered my gaze and began to straighten up my clothes.

“You are really beautiful.” Hephaistion suddenly said and made me jerk my head up in surprise. But Hephaision did not look at me. He looked……lost and a little sad.

“No, you are beautiful!” I blurted out. I knew I possessed a look that could induce most man’s lust, but comparing me to Hephaistion would like comparing a doll to a sculpture of goddess.

Hephaistion snorted, but not in a menacing way. “I’m a little old to be call beautiful.”

My eyes involuntarily widened. I remembered he was only the same age of the king’s, and he looked much younger for a man of his age.

After a long moment, feeling awkward, I gave my thanks again: “My lord, you have saved my life today. You said it is nothing, but I am truly, deeply grateful.”

“It’s fine. I couldn’t let that scum deprive the king someone he truly care about, could I?”

I was suddenly alarmed. Is Hephaistion implying that he was not pleased by the king’s attention on me?

“My lord, I wouldn’t dare to think……”

Hephaistion cut me off:”He is, trust me. There’re others before you; other……boys. But the king had never overtly claimed anyone but you. And he wanted you to comfort him when he was in distress; when he chased others off….. ”

“My lord, I believe the king didn’t mean to……” I started to say, because I knew too well I couldn’t afford to make such a powerful enemy like Hephaistion.

Hephaistion just shook his head slowly……almost wearily: “It’s fine, really. You bring the king joy, and that’s what important. I will keep you safe for Alexander, so long as you don’t get improper ideas……”

“I’ve never thought I could replace you!” I said hastily.

“Me?” Hephaistion frowned and then shook his head again.”You get it all wrong, Bagoas.”

I was confused. “I do not understand, my lord.”

“It was never like that between me and Alexander. The thing about my thighs……it’s just a joke.” Haphaistion smiled like I was an ignorant baby. And yet, his smile was sad, and his blue eyes dimed a little. 

I stared at him distrustfully. Surly he could not hope to fool anyone? Not with the love was so clear in his and the king’s eyes. 

Hephaision suddenly burst out laughing. Although he possessed a rare, delicate beauty, at this moment there’s nothing feminine in his gesture. I felt a vague bitterness for what I had been deprived forever, but more than that, bewilderment.

“My lord, did I do something wrong?” I frowned.

“Nothing. It’s just……you act all obedient, and yet your eyes tell everything.”Hephaistion looked like he was trying very hard not laugh out loud again.

“My lord……”

Hephaistion took a deep breath and said: ”I think……that’s probably why the king like you so much.”

“I……” 

“To be completely honest, there was a time……” Hephaistion lowered his gaze: “When I believe the king and I would really go that way……but that was a long time ago.”

I was more than stunned to hear this. Why would Hephaistion tell me this? Was this some kind of trick?

And yet, Hephaistion’s beautiful blue eyes didn’t focus on me. His expression looked a little familiar to me. It took me a while to remember……he had the same dreamy look on the king’s face when he was talking about Hephaistion.

“But……you love him?” I asked carefully.

Hephaistion gave me a look like I had said something truly stupid: “Of course I love him. And he loves me. Just in a different way. “

Hephaistion was smiling again. ”And don’t you think for a minute that I am jealous of you. I am Alexander’s best friend and we’ll stay this way until……until the end.”

I was speechless. He was completely blind to the king’s affection. But I had no intension to point it out for him.

“Hephaistion!”

We both turned and saw the king walking toward us.

“Hephaistion!” the king exclaimed again before noticing my existence. “Oh……and you are here too, Bagoas.”

I bowed my head as the two walked toward each other. 

“I see you two had been talking.” The king said. “Not some complaints about me I hope, Bagoas?”

The king clearly meant this to be a joke, but I could see he was a little nervous. He was afraid that I was flaunting my relationship with him in front of his beloved Hephaistion, I suddenly realized.

Hephaision beat me to answer: “I was the one who did the complaining.”

“Oh really? And what’s that?” the king turned to me.

But Hephaistion turned to me as well, and lifted a finger across his lips like a mischief kid──his looked really adorable when he did that──and said to me: “Don’t tell him, Bagoas. You will not betray me, will you?”

Like I had a choice if the king forced me, I thought. 

Of course, soon after Hephaestion leave, the king turned to me: “What were you talking about, really?”

I considered slandering Haphaistion, thought very briefly. I found I couldn’t really bring myself to hate him. 

But I had to tell the king something.

“That’s not true. He was not complaining, my lord.”

“I know.” The king said, like the question had never even crossed his mind: ”But what did he said?”

“He said he is your best friend and will continue to be till the end.”

The king smiled: “That is true.”

“My lord,” I couldn’t help it: “But are you content of being his friend?”

The king tensed visibly, and I was so afraid if I had trod on a forbidden territory that I involuntarily took a step back.

“Bagoas, relax.” The king said after a sigh. “I am not angry and I promise you are safe with me. It’s just……Hephaistion is……not like that.” 

If possible, I was even more confused.

“When we were little, our teacher told us the highest love is love between two men that transcend flesh……” the king’s expression turned dreamy again. “I think that’s what Hephaistion wants. And……it’s beneath Hephaestion if I, if we……no. I can’t make him……I can’t turn him into……”

I was in awe by that point. Was he really telling me that……that he loves Hephaistion too much to take him for his own?

The king suddenly stopped. He turned to me: “I’m not saying you are……”

I shook my head and stepped forward to place my head on the king’s shoulder. “I am not unhappy, my lord. I am glad that there’s something I can offer and he can’t. ”

The king rewarded my words by gentle patting on my head. 

“What else did he said?” the king asked. 

I thought about it. 

“He said I am beautiful.”

The king was silent for a long while.

“That you are.” He finally said.

3.  
There was a time, when Hephaistion was frequently away from the court. They said he was the best diplomat and ambassador the king had ever had, and he was obviously eager to give his best to the kingdom. But from what I’d seen, the king was not always happy about Hephaistion’s enthusiasm.

“Hephaistion wants to prove himself.” The king once told me: “No matter how many times I try to convince him that he does indeed deserves his current status.”

That’s Hephaistion’s flaw then, I thought. He’s honorable and proud. Proud means self-preservation; proud also stopped him from throwing himself toward the king. That’s why I was the one who slept in the arms of the king, not him. I had long been denied my dignity and I didn’t have anything to preserve either. 

When Hephaistion was away, it was like part of the king’s soul had gone with him. He would stood on the balcony, trying to judge which direction lead to Hephaistion’s current position, and stood there for a long time. 

There’s one time, the king leaned on the railing of the balcony reading a letter, and all of sudden burst into crazy laughers. 

“My lord, you seem……pleased.” I said. “What’s so special about the letter?”

‘Is it from Hephaistion?‘ was what I really wanted to ask.

“It’s from the king of one of my ally country.” The king said with a smile: “It’s really funny.”

“What did he do?” I asked. The king was having less and less laugher lately. I was all too eager to know what it was that made him so happy. 

“He was afraid that he might have offended my ambassador.” The king smiled.

So, it was about Hephaistion after all, I thought.

“The king said he had placed a bunch of women in Hephaistion’s room out of ‘hospitality’. But Hephaistion being Hephaistion was totally unamused. In fact, after he tried and failed to dismiss those women, he just walked away and ends up slept in the servant’s room.”

Ah, that’s Hephaistion, I thought. Then so be it. Let him stay clean and impeccable, and let me have the king. 

But things did not turn out the way I wanted. 

That winter, in India, Hephaistion fell terribly ill.


	2. Chapter 2

4.  
The doctor had no idea what cause Hephaistion’s illness, but anyone could see he was getting weaker by the day. 

But I was more worried about the king who was on the edge of losing all control. It seemed that hatever was killing Hephaistion, it was consuming the king too. 

As the king spent more and more time at Hephaistion’s bedside, I too had met Hephaistion quite frequently. 

Hephaistion was terribly thin and pale. He was still beautiful, more so as far as I was concerned, but in a way that would made one’s heart trembling at the sight. It was the kind of beauty that belonged to the flowers on the grave. 

One morning, when the king was trying to coax Hephaistion to eat some more food, an emissary came in and told the king that a meeting was waiting for him to preside. 

“I’m busy.” the king looked irritated. 

“I’m fine. I’ll eat this by myself.” Hephaistion struggled to say.

“How do I know if you will be a good kid and finished all of this?” the king pouted.

Hephaistion rolled his eyes. “Don’t be such a child. I can take care of myself.”

To me, they both became a little child-like in front of each other.

“You have more important things than feeding me, Alexander.” Hephaistion persisted.

“Nonsense. I have made this my top priority now.” Alexander smiled wryly. 

“I promise I’ll finish this.” Hephaistion said after making a face; when the king tried to protest, he added:”And if you are really worried, you can let Bagoas watch over me.”

I was surprised to hear my name, but Hephaistion make it sound perfectly casual. 

Hephaistion continues: “He’s your man, right? This way you can be sure he’ll not cover for me.”

The king hesitated. I could see he was bothered by Hephaistion’s words, though I wasn’t sure why. But he finally conceded.

With Hephaistion himself being the one who suggest me watching over him, I assumed Hephaistion would be perfectly cooperative. But as soon as the king took his leave, Hephaistion turned to me and said: “Bagoas, are you hungry? Can you eat this bread for me?”

I was startled. “But I am supposed to watch you eat it!”

Hephaistion cocked his head innocently: “You saw me throw up the other day, weren’t you? These things won’t do me any good except giving me nausea. I just couldn’t bring Alexander to see it.”

“Then perhaps you should not ask me to watch over you!” I said as sternly as I can. I wasn’t really mad, though. 

“Don’t worry.” Hephaistion smiled. Though he still seemed weak, there’s spark of mischief in his eyes: “He doesn’t need to know the truth.”

My eyes immediately widened. He had been planning this all along!

“Don’t look at me like that, ” Hephaistion smiled weakly: “All you have to do, is keep quiet.”

“You can’t ask me to lie.” I protested.

“Sure I can, and I just did.” Hephaistion was pouting now. I felt my brain became a little fuzzy; a small part of me was wondering, where did that poised, mature Hephaistion go? Surly the legendary Hephaistion wouldn’t be throwing tantrums like a little child?

“You……I……”I stammered.

Hephaistion’s eyes gone soft at that. The mischief in his eyes vanished, which made him look even more listless.

“I’m not trying to manipulate you,” he sighed. “I just don’t want to upset Alexander.”

I swallowed. “Don’t you think if you die, it would be even worse for him?”

Hephaistion closed his eyes, seemingly too overwhelming to speak.

“I know. I am……worried about him without me.” Hephaistion opened his eyes; they were distant and sad.

“……it would break him.” I said quietly. I didn’t want to admit that, but I didn’t think the king would ever get through it if Hephaistion died. 

Hephaistion looked away: “hopefully, you would be able to make it better for him.”

I was shocked out of my thoughts. For a long while, I did nothing but gaping at him.

“There……there’s a time, I hope he would get……sated of you,” Hephaistion looked like he had to summon all his will power to say so:”But all these years had passed, and you are still here. I think……I think you are special to him.”

Hephaistion looked up at me, and I could see his eyes are bright with unshed tears: “Don’t let him fall into despair……at least not for too long.”

My throat tightened, and my heart was pounding hard in my chest.

“You think that’s possible?” I asked.

Hephaistion did not answer. 

Then days passed, but Hephaistion was not getting better. The king was desperate now, and I thought the doctor was about to go crazy if the king pushed him any further. 

I had once been secretly hoping that Hephaistion would die soon, that I could usurp his position in the king’s heart. But now, I was afraid that if Hephaistion die, the king would be gone with him too. 

And deep in my heart, I was struggling if I should tell the king that Hephaistion felt the same with him, that he assumed his feeling was not returned.

I had no obligation to do so, I told myself. And if Hephaistion was going to die, this would only make the king even more tormented after losing him. And why should I pity Hephaistion? Even if he was to die young, his life would still contain more happiness than mine. He said it himself: he would not trade it with me. 

He had too much. Maybe that’s why gods choose to let he die at this age, I tried to convince myself. 

5.  
“What do you mean you don’t know what’s wrong with him?” the king demanded: “There must be some record! He can’t be the first person in the whole world to catch this disease!”

The old doctor was trembling all over, and for a moment I thought he was either going to faint or burst into tears. 

“I feel better.”

It was Hephaistion’s voice. The king pushed the doctor aside and scrambled toward him.

“You certainly don’t look better.” The king tried a teasing smile, but the tears in his eyes were too obvious to miss. The king was never good at hiding emotions, and his affection toward Hephaistion was so blatant and raw, it hurt me just to look at it.

“But I do feel better. Before spring, I’ll be able to travel with the army.”

“You better be.” The king grabbed Hephaistion’s hand, and pressed it to his own cheek: “We can’t leave without you. And did I mention that my sister in law was coming of age? I was planning to marry her to you so that our kids would be cousins. And they’ll grow up together like you and me……”

Hephaistion snorted lightly, and closed his eyes. I saw the king was about to say something, when the old doctor suddenly interrupted.

“My lord! You haven’t married? That could be the problem!”

Hephaistion opened his eyes and stared at the doctor. 

But the king beat him to it: “What can be the correlation between illness and marriage?”

“My king! Our bodies were like sewage systems. We need vents to channel some……overwhelming emotions, to prevent them from hurting us. Emotions like……sexual drive……”

Before the doctor could finish his words, a ferocious and deadly pale Hephaistion suddenly pounced. 

“Hephaistion!” the king caught Hephaistion by his shoulders, so instead of hitting the ground, Hephaistion just plunged into the kings embrace. But Hephaistion seemed to focus on none of these. He was still trying to get to the doctor; to attack him, I supposed. He was too proud to accept this kind of implication. However, his struggle was getting him nowhere. 

I remembered the king once said something about Hephaistion being an excellent, much underrated worrier. He said it’s because Hephaistion didn’t have a worrier’s build. And he said it’s true Hephaistion was not particularly strong or powerful, but he made it up and more with his agility and precision. It’s deadly, the king said, just not many survive to tell how deadly it is.

But now, Hephaistion’s full strength attack looked like a cat trying to claw; it’s almost unbearable to see. The king’s face twisted, like a knife had cut into his soul.

“Please! You’ll hurt yourself!”The king begged:” Hephaistion! Please calm down! It’s fine now……”

“No, it’s not!” Hephaistion was panting, talking through gritted teeth.

“Hephaistion!” the king tighten his grip around Hephaistion, and the latter finally gave up fighting. He completely collapsed in the king’s arms; his head drooped like a wilted lotus. 

“I’m fine now; I wasplease help me get up.” Hephaistion said; his voice was cold and dead. 

6.  
After the paroxysm of Hephaistion, the doctor was all too aware just how close he had been to torturous, and thus never brought up his theory again. I almost assumed everybody had forgotten this. But it turned out, I was wrong.

“Bagoas, do you think the doctor’s words are possible?”

I was stunned to hear this from the king. He must be truly desperate to think so. 

“I had never heard such a thing that illness can be cause by…...” I trailed off: “And even if there’s some truth in it, I don’t think lord Hephaistion would……”

“I know. But the doctor had tried everything……” the king paused for a while, face twisted. When he spoke again, his voice was almost inaudible: “What do you think about Hephaistion? Do you……do you like him?”

I was appalled by the implication behind those words. Certainly the king was not thinking……he could not be……

I was trembling slightly, but I managed to keep my voice calm and docile: “He is competent, from what I heard; he is very loyal to you and he is kind to me.” 

The king smiled a little: “And ridiculously good-looking too.”

“Yes.” I replied as emotionless as I could: “But I don’t see why this has anything to do with me.” 

The king signed. “Bagoas, you are too smart to not understand.”

Don’t make me do it. I wanted to yell, but it was difficult for me. I wasn’t in a position so say so.

“Why me?” I finally said.

“I think he is fond of you. Last time, you seemed to get along well. And I know……I know you’ll make it easier for him.” the king said. He looked guilty, but determined. 

“Because I was trained for it.” I said. My strength was totally drained from me. I wanted to cry; for a long time I hadn’t had this kind of impulse. I thought, I believe I had come to a good fortune when I found myself in love with my master. 

“ I know I should never do this to you, and you certainly have the right to reject. But I beg you……just this once. I’ll never share you with anyone else. But it’s Hephaistion. He’s……He’s Alexander too.” One of the king’s hands came to rest on my back scalp, and his expression was on the edge of crying. 

Something in me suddenly dissolved, gone. Some tiny, silly, little, wishful thinking. However, it didn’t feel like death, more of an understanding, realization. It never was mine, and it never would be. It’s not my fault, not the king’s fault. I simply sought something in the wrong place.

When I walked into the chamber, Hephaistion was still asleep. The king had accompany me there, but stayed outside the door. 

I sat on the edge of Hephaistion’s bed, and gently brushed a lock of hair off his face. He looked so small and fragile, and I was torn between the wish to comfort him and the urge to hurt him more.

“Alexander?” Hephaistion murmured dreamily before he opened his eyes to see me, and went still.

“Oh.” He managed to utter a single sound. He looked really puzzled, like child waking up in a room he’d never seen before.

“Why are you here?” Hephaistion asked: “To check on my diet again, I suppose?”

I shook my head. “I am here because the king wants me to be.”

“Alexander……” Hephaistion started to ask, but his voice was caught when I slid a hand into his robe. His face turned into horror.

“Is it his intension to……”he’s voice was trembling; his pale face suddenly flushed. I was a little worried that he would faint from sheer shame.

Hephaistion struggled to prop himself up and began babbling:“That is not true! I mean……I mean what the doctor said, it is not……”

“Doesn’t matter what it is.” I said. “And please, my lord, just relax and enjoy it.”

“No, I……”He caught my hand, but he was so weak that even I could break his hold easily. 

I draw my hand back, wrapped my hand around his and lifted his hand to put it on my collar bone. “The king used to say my skin felt like the most expensive silk cloth……how do you feel?”

After tried and failed to withdraw his hand, Hephaistion closed his eyes as if he wanted to shut down all of his sensations. 

“Expensive, means you can buy it, with money or power.”

This made Hephaistion opened his eyes. “I know you were hurt. But please don’t do anything that you don’t truly want to……”

“No. You don’t know anything about hurt or wanting. Why would you? You have everything I could dream of having.” I was being unfair, I knew. But I wanted my small revenge. Because after this……after this……

I heard a faint cracking sound from the door, and knowing that, as I though, the king hadn’t leave yet. He was trying to warn me not to torment his beloved Hephaistion anymore.

“No, I……”Hephaistion shook his head.

“My fault. I forgot there’s one thing you don’t and can’t have.”

Hephaistion went still for a second, and then tried for once more to take back his hand. This time I let him. Instead, I lifted one corner of his quilt, and ran my hand slowly downward. 

Hephaistion’s reaction was writhing against my touch; I was trained for this, after all. Not for long, his face flushed, and sweat began to cover his forehead. 

“Stop it!” Hephaistion growled.

I did not obey. “But, my lord……it seems you are a bit……aroused.”

Hephaistion flushed further, and utter a word that probably was very unfriendly in Greek. 

“Why are you doing this?” Hephaistion had overcome his premier shock, and was now trying to control the situation by reasoning. 

“As I told you, the king……”

“No, that’s not what I am asking! Why……why are you doing this, to me, when you know very clearly that I……” He trailed off.

“That you…..?” I repeated. 

Hephaistion gritted his teeth, breathing heavily. 

“You know very well my……” Hephaistion paused again, but not for long this time: “You know my feeling toward Alexander! You know he is the one I love and can’t have! ”

There’s another cracking sound, and the door was opened. But Hephaistion seemed too absorbed to notice that. 

“You know I can’t have the only person I truly want, and I……” Hephaistion made a chocked sound, like he was having trouble breathing.

“Hephaistion!”The king’s worried voice cut in. Hephaistion was petrified on the spot. I immediately vacant the place I had been occupied. 

The king sat on the bed, hands firmly clasped on each side of Hephaistion’s shoulders. But Hephaistion was motionless; his face was clouded with fear and disbelief.

“Hephaistion! Are you all right? Please talk to me!”

Hephaistion finally snapped out of his shock, and pushed at the king: “Get out!”

“Hephaistion……”the king caught his hands gently; his voice strained. “Phai, no! I……”

Hephaistion draw back his hands, and tried to bury his head in them: “Don’t look at me! Just……just get out!”

“Phai……Phai……”the king continued to say. When Hephaestion refused to answer, the king pried at his hands and wrapped both hands with his own.

“Please listen to me! Hephaistion, I love you. I love you since……God it feels like forever!” 

Hephaistion stared at the king, breathe fast and shaky. It took him quite a while before he could utter any voice: “What……”

And that’s the only sound he uttered, because the rest was sealed by the king’s lips.

I took my leave at that point, and closed the door for them. The last thing I heard was Hephaistion’s soft whisper: “My Alexander……”

The next day, they both apologized to me----but separately, behind the other’s back----- and begged me not the blame the other. The first time I accepted quietly, the second time I just signed and walked away, and left a very awkward king on the spot.

However, it turned out the doctor was wrong after all. Hephaistion did not get better after that night (A blind man could see what happened that night from Hephaistion’s expression the next day.) But from then on, they spent every night cuddling on the balcony, Hephaistion curling like a lap cat with his head on the king’s chest. 

I should be jealous, I supposed. But I didn’t......not very much at least. I couldn’t tell why. Maybe it’s because deep down, I had known they belong to each other all along. The other reason might be that I actually came to like Hephaistion a little. And I so loved to see the king’s smile when he had Hephaistion in his arms.

Hephaistion died a month after that, and the king only lived for another eight months. That is, if that could be called living. But I believed they are happy together now in Elysium. I truly believe so. For why does Elysium exist at all, if not to let people who are in love with each other so much continue to be?

I truly, deeply hope so……


End file.
